back and forth...

today i keep going back and forth from crying and being happy..im not sure what my deal is!! i saw a sticker on the back of a truck that had a dirt bike with the rider who looked like it was flipping over or about too..it started to tear me up..later as i was coming home from running to the postal annex i saw two men on street bikes..one was a bigger guy who reminded me of jons friend sheldon and the other was a smaller guy who reminded me of jon..i thought..man they look like it could be sheldon and jon cruising the summer streets...thats just something they would have done together on their honda shadows..i bought jon this REALLY nice one for his 30th bday..he lOVED It - as did i...one day he'll get back on..one day i WILL see sheldon and jon cruising the summer streets...

i dont know what my deal is..going out into the "real world" is a little wierd..i feel TOTALLY lost..maybe im not prepared for it..for 9 weeks the only time i left the house was to go see jon at the hospital..and come home..its very wierd to walk into a grocery store, target..anything..i dont know how to explain it..i feel like im just on the verge of crying for some reason..i turn and look at jon...who has lost more then 30 lbs in 9 weeks..who looks so weak...is always burning or feeling icy cold...i think about the man i married 10 years ago and how completely different they are..i fear jon losing the "jon" i fell in love with...anyway- i dont need to make anyone feel sad or sorry for myself..its just one of those days..

well girls are home! they'll probably want to hop in the pool!!