Well its now monday afternoon...im more tired then ive ever been in my life! I first want to THANK my great friend kristen -who now gets me and just comes over and manages to put herself to work- this is something that is SOOOo wonderful for those that are suffering-- maybe its just me- but im SOOO grateful! i would NEVER be embarrassed, or worried or anything- im just so grateful that people understand my need to just have someone - anyone pop in and put themselves to work without me having to ask or explain what i need done-- thank you kristen! you rock!!!
To start- i do not have a nurse with me today - so since last nite at the LAX airport at midnite when we finally left..ive been on my own and will be to probably tuesday nite at 8pm..so if im not talking on the phone, responding to emails or doing the blog- that will help to explain - ill just be super tired!! Chris and Kristi came by this afternoon and took the 2 older girls to spend 3 weeks with them in Eagle Mountain, Utah...i told them im REALLY going to miss them!! They are SUCH good girls for me..especially lately in our situation..especially sarah..this am she got becca up and bathed her in the tub for me- hair and everything!! so nice!! we'll stay in contact via the phone and email..but im really still going to miss them..i gave kristi the "marble jar" and explained it to her- so hopefully they are good for her most of the time..she'll have 6 kids under the age of 9! YIKES!!
Last nite we got home about 1am..i had already called the Santos' to meet me here about 1am to help get kids into bed and jon into bed...SO THANKFUL for them - i was SOOOO tired...it was wonderful...oh and my friends came and CLEANED my house!!! I LOVE IT GUYS!!! thank you!!!!!! there is NOTHING like coming home to your "space" and then for it to be clean and soooo welcoming - i was so happy!!!!
We got the girls down and then got jon settled for the nite about 230am..then i got some sheets and layed down on the couch in the living room so that i could hear jon if he needed anything...as of lately he gets REALLLLLY hot or REALLLLY cold..there is no inbetween...so its blanktes on, blankets off, on and off all nite long..so i initially went down at 230am..then up again at 4am to cath him, meds and rotate, then again at 845am...then fed him breakfast and we did the bowel program..thankfully becca has been sleeping for most of the day - sarah got her up bathed her - but she was just cranky the whole time and wanted to sit on my lap - which meant i couldnt get anything done..so i just put her back into bed..by then kristen had come by, and she took anna with her and kate to sams club to pick up a few things for me and her..so i got to SLEEEEEEP for one FULL hour!! then they came back and she put anna down in her bed for a nap for me- ANOTHER FULL HOUR!!! i feel AMAZING now!!i havent slept since march 15th!! and the cruise and time change REALLY messed things up..so all in all..today has been really calm..its been REALLY helpful to have the older 2 girls gone..and the younger 2 down for sleeping..jon didnt even get out of his bed today - he's been sleeping since about 2pm...
I have to get reintouch with a possible nurse..she is available from 8pm-12am..and then i would do the 4am..then another nurse would do the 8am -12pm and then i'd have him for the 4pm until 8pm when the 1st nurse comes back again..someone made a good point...even though its the same amount of money as a 24 hour..atleast they arent sleeping in my house ..i dont have to keep everyone quiet all day, or get upset that they sleep more then i do...so when they are here- they are only here to work - and work hard..so after this im needing to call her and get it situated to see if it will work...
As far as the cruise- it was great! I never worked so hard in my life- but in the end..i did it for the girls...i didnt do it for myself..i did it for the girls..and boy did they have the time of their lives!!!!!! sadly i only took 3 pictures of our whole trip- but it was really something!! God really did create beauty- it was awesome..it was your ideal clear blue water, white sand..the post card types..it was great...i had about 2 hours to myself the whole time we were gone..i sadly spent it on deck 12 crying...it was the most difficult time for me..it was friday nite..at 10pm..i was really greiving the loss of jon..the loss of our old life..it was REALLY hard to watch couples walk past..holding hands..enjoying themselves..really hard..i was even to the point of honestly questioning my marriage..did i want to stay..yes i did and sometimes do have those very real thoughts...then i think..man..id really let down so many people if i just walked away from this...i could see how people wouldnt want to leave their marriages because "of the children"..i though..maybe im not as strong as everyone thinks i am..and more importantly..maybe im not as strong as I think that i am...these are very real things that go thru your mind when one goes thru this situation..between caring for jon 24/7 and the 4 girls..and having immense pressure to get my life back together asap..no time for yourself to check out (well other then this blog)..no sleep..knowing just going to target is a REALLy big deal to even manage to go..constantly asking for help and being worried about being judged later..its very difficult..but as i sat and cried on deck 12...i reminded myself of why i married jon in the first place, i reminded myself of our temple sealing and what took place..i reminded myself of the past 10 years of literal bliss i have spent with jon..i always speak of the word "remember" it is SUCH an important word in my life..it literally grounds me..it brings my whole world back into focus...isnt that what we are here for anyways...to "remember" our Savior and gain knowledge of the Gospel to help us to "remember" what life was like before we got here and what it will be like when we leave....
its EXTREMELY hard to go from nurse/mommy mode to a wife..to be a companion to someone who requires so much care..for the past 3 months..i have felt like i have no companion, almost like no one on my side or team type thing..maybe i just need to find someone i can vent to or something..its hard when you use to vent to your spouse..but then your spouse is the reason for your venting - if that made any sense!!??! i certainly dont mean that in a bad way..
by saturday nite- i was done being on "vacation" and ready to just be back home again..it was all i could do to hold myself together..i was tired of putting on my "happy face" like all was okay..when it was really so hard and so difficult..i really wanted to do so much with the girls..but it just wasnt going to work that way..i had to let go and let the family take the girls to do the fun things..i was really sad - as was jon that we didnt get to spend it together like we would have..
becca was SOOOO clingy and anna was constantly fighting with her most of the time..that really made things hard..then i had the older 2 girls wanting to 'spend time " with me..but i just couldnt..its a horrible feeling..so anyway - as you can see by saturday nite.. i was really ready to come home..i guess i could have come on and said how fantastic and wonderful it was..by that wouldnt be my honest feelings..and this is my journal..and so its important that im honest with myself and my true feelings..it was a serious time of grieving and sadness..it was really difficult for me doing so much constantly..it was just so hard to see so many many many carefree lives going on around me..it just reminded me of where my life is right now..but its also important for me to "remember" it WONT be like this forever - even if he's in a wheelchair for 20 more years..it will get better..
I also know that Satan is working like CRAZY and on OVERTIME right now with me and my thoughts and feelings..he'll do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to break up this marriage..but i wont let that happen..i will continue to "remember" and stay strong..im so incredibly grateful for the knowledge of the Gospel..even the little knowledge i may have..to help me get thru this challenge in my life..I know where peace comes from and where misery comes from..i can see myself bopping from one side of the fence to the other..i will continue to stay strong, and "hold to the rod" and continue to prove to myself..that yes i am an amazing person and yes so is jon and yes TOGETHER we will get thru this!
PS whoever "been there said" is THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!! i cried for 10 minutes because FINALLY someone gets it!!! i dont know who you are or how you even know us..but your words were so so so so comforting- especially at this time..so thank you very much!! you get it!!
1 year ago
6 comments:
christina get some more sleep and things wont be quite so bad. Your thoughts are very normal and to be expected. You still amaze me! Keep praying as will I to keep Satan from your life
YOU ARE "COOL NOW" and YOU do GET it.
Grieving IS part of Living....Because it means you can STILL "FEEL" YOU are alive and full of life. I love you two! XO
Christina, grief is very personal. Everyone
grieves in their own way and on their own time. In our society, virtually no one talks about it, so we can feel isolated and alone. You have this blog and you allow others to help you be there for you and that's a wonderful thing. Losing someone
close to us leaves us wounded.
Healing those wounds is what grieving is all about. It will make us stronger and give us the confidence to feel joyful once more. I know, I've been there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the felings you are having right now are all "normal". Take care sweet thing, I wish I could be there to help you... your MC friend from Costa Rica, Rossana
Just thought I would remind you that you did an amazing thing by actually making it through this trip. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for that! If anything, at least your "vacation" gave you a chance to get a lot of your feelings out on the surface, so that you can get them out of your system. I know healing takes so much time, so much longer than we would like most if not all of the time. :) Thanks for sharing.
Something to also remember is that you haven't "lost" your husband. He is still alive!!! Cherish him for who he is and what you love about him. He might not ever walk again but this experience can and will bring you two closer than you ever were before.
Christina, It is so obviuos how much you do love and care for Jon that is why this is all so hard on you. No one can really understand what you are going through. I loved "been theres" comments.
I know that I would have been a wreck during the vacation because of all the expectations that go along with vacations. I went on a vacation pregnant and felt pity for myself when I could not go and do a lot of the things that everyone else was doing...I felt really sensitive and was kind focused all on myself. That situation was nothing even close to what you went through and yet, for me though- that was enough to make me kind of sad and I could tell satan was working on me.
We all really have no clue into what you are going through right now. You are so nice to even let us have a peek into your life and to allow us this opportunity to grow from this very real and very hard trial that you have been chosen to go through. You are in our thoughts and our prayers daily.
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