tonite jon was extremely emotional...he cried a lot..he's sad because he cant sing..he noticed it in sacrament meeting, again when singing with anna this afternoon, and then again trying to sing her happy birthday with the family...his comments were "i felt like singing was one of the talents i was given..and be it i wasnt great at it - i thought i was atleast really good at it"..then he just started crying..he said "i cant even sing happy birthday to my kids"..
he's also very worried about his business, our house, finances, all the things men worry about daily..only now its 10 times fold for him...he cried more..
its times like these that im not quite sure what to say other then just hold his hand and let him cry...because people dont want to be told "well it could be so much worse" or "one day at a time" or "we'll get thru this"..sometimes people just want to simply cry! so i let him...
its times like these i think ..man it would be so much easier if it was me instead of him...but thats not the way it was meant to be.."lean not to thy own understanding" means so much more to us now...
i look at my kids before i go to sleep and think..these poor children..who in a sense have lost both parents...and i dont know whats worse..losing them physically or losing them like they've lost us..we're here..but we're not here..if that makes sense...maybe just to me it makes sense...i keep trying to make the next day better then the previous day..
jon and i ended our nite with companion prayer..he cried some more and then said.."okay thats out of my system so we can both sleep now!"..sometimes its just good to get it out..im glad he did..
1 year ago
3 comments:
Oh my...this has brought tears to my eyes! I have felt so moved by this post tonight! Oh how I wish it could all go away and for you to have your lives back as you knew them! I can't even begin to comprehend the depth of everything you have gone through. I am sure that even though you feel you are not 100 percent there for your girls He is there for them and for you! Heavenly Father is with your girls do not for a moment think he is not! He will give them all they need to have in these hard times. What admiration I have for you and your loved one, in that you are doing exactly what the Lord asks us to be as ONE together as a couple...sometimes something I do not do with my husband and need to strive for. What strenght you have to carry on. My prayers go to you even more strongly tonight! You are so valiant and brave. Youv'e touched my heart! God bless you Christina and your darling husband and beautiful babies!
Christina, You are definitely right in just validating him like that. Sometimes that is all you can do and the rest you just have to leave in the Father's hands. It's a hard thing to do to watch someone you love suffer. In fact sometimes I think that is harder than going through it yourself. I am glad you have an outlet like your blog and close family and friends where you can discuss what is on your mind too. It is vital that you have that support right now. I had a family member die a little while ago and my friend compared it to playing football on a totally different field and trying to adjust in the change of altitude and grass, etc. And I thought that was a good analogy because the life I had had before was over in that aspect and a new one had begun. I am sure Jon is so grateful that he has a wife who is understanding and clearly adores him. Where he feels safe sharing the feelings in his heart with you. Hopefully he will be able to sing again.
It must be so difficult to not be able to take away his pain, but I think you are right, sometimes crying is just what you need and after you are done you say.. okay lets move on. I think it is amazing that you were able to see what he needed.
Although you feel like your girls have lost both parents, you are giving them a valuable lesson. You are displaying the kind of true love, compassion, companionship, understanding, faith, etc.. that every child needs to know and understand- maybe it isn't the way you would have picked to teach them, it is what it is. Don't be so hard on yourself- you have only had a few months to adjust to life- you both seem so organized and on top of everything, it will come and until it does- Heavenly Father will always be there to back you up.
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