sadly at about 545pm i had a total breakdown, i had a HUGE full day with little sleep saturday, then at 8am jon wanted to get up and go to church so we did that today too..i went upstairs about 230 or 3pm for a nap..but that didnt happen with little kids...becca kept breaking everything, sarah and anna were being loud and laughing constantly - ya know usual kid stuff! anyway - i just couldnt take it anymore, at 545pm i just got in my car and left..i found myself at the santos' home a mess...russell came down and helped with dinner that had been brought- thanks maxine LOVED IT!!!!!! and then he helped to get girls ready for bed..i came home about 830..that time went by so fast! i must have cried a LOT cuz i thought i was only gone an hour!! i kept yawning or crying the whole time i was talking to tracy..and i felt SOOOOOOOOOOO bad because it was fathers day!!!!!! i felt bad for jon, i felt bad for russell since it was his day..anyway- lame...
im home now, i got the kids into bed, i can tell they totally miss me, jon's wondering just what the heck happened- poor guy!! anyway- i just needed to "check out" as i lovingly call it-- i think 2 days straight of doign jon all by myself and four girls put me way way way over the edge..i think im WAY too worried about people judging me..and thats just only adding to the stress...im think im WAY too worried that people feel like i need to have my life normal again..and whats taking so long..i feel like nobody REALLY i mean REALLLLY gets what its like for me and our family..and i think im just burnt out on making it seem like its all okay and under control...i think for the most part it is..and maybe just right now its really hard..i dont know..anyway - thats my ramble for right now!!
and this is more for my own journal- not so much wanting pity from people!! im doing much better now!!
1 year ago
6 comments:
Christina...hang in there. Things will continue to get better little by little. You are exhausted and have stretched your physical, emotional and spiritual resources to the max! Is it possible to have members of your family come and stay with you on a rotating basis to help with the girls until you get a reliable nurse/caretaker to relieve you of your constant nursing demands? It seems like you are being pulled in a hundred different directions! You ARE amazing but you are one person and cannot do it all by yourself.
PS If people are judging you...it's their problem! Let them walk a mile in your shoes and see how far they'll go!
Love ya,
marvista66 from MC
You are entitled to have breakdown or two. Don't worry about what other people think. I know easier said than done. But really they don't know you or your life. Only Heavenly Father does and as long as you are doing your best and pleasing Him, nothing else matters. No one else is in your situation. Only you. And even with all of the prayers in the world you are still human. And I think far more people are looking at you thinking you are amazing than shaking their fingers at you. If not then they have issues they haven't dealt with yet.
I think that you are totally entitled to breakdowns. You are being pulled in so many different areas right now. Try, and be gentle with yourself at this time in your life. I hope that you will soon be able to not worry what anyone is thinking. I look at you with much admiration. Hugs to you. Your friend, Michelle, Azmom from MC
Hang in there- you really are an amazing gal and don't need to worried about what anyone else is thinking (which I am sure is only shock and total amazement at what you are currently doing EVERY day). I know- like many have said-it is easier to say it. But, I have a breakdown everyday, and I don't have even a fraction of what you do. We all need a breakdown every once in awhile. It allows us to have a quick check. If it is worth anything, I don't know you outside of your blogs and I think you have to be one of the most exceptional people out there. I was telling a girlfriend the other day about your amazing family and how much I really admire both you and Jon and how you have rallied around taking care of one another. You would hope it is what any husband and wife would do, but.. it isn't always the case.
I know- you said no pity, but.. I really do think this- regardless of if you had a breakdown or not!
You and your family are in our prayers.
Christina,
You will never be normal (the old normal) again. What is amazing is that you will find a new normal, a different normal and in some ways a better normal.
As far as people judging you, there are probably not many if anybody passing judgement. I know that it is hard to let yourself have a carefree moment when you know that someone else is making your dinner or doing your laundry, but let it go and let yourself enjoy every moment you can, especially the cruise. You deserve it and I'm sure all of those people who are helping you will want you to enjoy every moment of joy and "looking like you are put together" you can because we all know that it is three steps forward and two steps back. Hang in there, we love you and are praying for you.
The Wilsons
Christina remember that Heavenly Father loves you and will help you through this time of need.
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