realization....

this morning i had a big realization..i really cant do it all...i stayed with jon during the day yesterday..his dad was there doing a lot...then he left around 5 and i took over..by 930 i was SO tired i nearly passed out saying prayer with jon! i told him i just need to lay flat for 10 minutes...i crashed hard for 20 minutes..sadly that pumped more energy in me so i had a hard time getting to sleep again...jon took till after 11 to get to sleep..then the nurses came in and i for soem reason woke up for everything...he woke around 240ish and i worked his shoulders..they were SO SORE!!! then he went back to sleep as did i...here and there...by 7am i was sooooooooooo tired...i was able to get myself up and help him with breakfast, clear his nose again, turn him so he was ready for the day...my mother got there at 9am and relieved me...i gave her the run down of everything - she's one of the most sweet gentle women i know..with a wicked sense of humor at the same time! i love it!! she told jon a couple of days ago that she was going to be jon's professional worrier! she's had lost of experience and she's cheap labor- so he's not to worry anymore- thats her job to do now..she seriously cracks me up!! im SO very grateful she's willing and able to help me...as i was leaving they were figuring out how to get him on the gurney to do an xray..so i imagine he's already had that done now...during the night he complained more...i think the pain is really starting to settle in now..he said the burning of his body is almost too much to bear now..where he has done it for over 2 weeks..its getting too hard to handle now...and his shoulders during the nights are killing him..
i then drove home and stayed awake..i got one street near my house and realized myself struggling to stay awake..i got myself together and made it home..it wasnt very far..then i walked in..bonnie has all the kids somewhere..so the house was very still and quiet..i went straight to my room and fell onto my bed...so scared...so sad...so frustrated that i cant be better at this...i always think if this were me, jon would be there 24/7!!! but im not able to..i literally have to do this one day at a time...i do have people set up for the nights and the days..that will be SO helpful for me!!! im grateful i got that all set up before the week started...sometimes im just ready for this to all be over...im tired of living in a dream or a bubble, i have no idea whats going on in the rest of our lives it feels sometimes...but im SO GRATEFUL that its being taken care of and i atleast dont have to worry about it...some people aren't so lucky in these kinds of situations...
tracy had made a comment that there are things im not even aware of that are happening for us...and to those people i want to say THANK YOU for your quiet service and for what you are doing for our family...we feel everyones love..from everywhere...
i would like to ask bro. buckley to get in contact with us..the sooner the better on our house the better...we dont have very long at all...
well i slept from 10ish-12 and then again till 2ish...i need to get some business stuff done, feed myself, and take it from there...its been a LONG couple days for me it seems!!