little emotional...

i guess its best for me to just get it out here on my blog..im very emotional today..im not sure what it is..everything starting to settle in or what...i walked upstairs and felt sad that Jon wasnt here...that again im going to sleep without him here...its so completely different without him here with us..i walked into our walk in closet and just sat on the floor staring at all his clothes hanging up..and how he was never really good about hanging them up! he would lay things on the dresser and say "they were on hold" meaning he WAS going to use them again eventually!! then i looked at each of his shirts and they'd remind me of something about him..the blue ones he always seem to wear to work, the dark burgandy one he'd wear to wedding receptions, the white ones he'd ONLY wear to church..he's a big believer that men should always wear white shirts to church..all of his khaki pants..and the ONE pair of really cool dark jeans that i bought to try to make him hip -- i got tired of seeing him wear khaki's all the time!!
sometimes i just want jon back..the old one..sometimes i just want our old life back..they way it use to be..sometimes i just want to wake up and have him come up the stairs singing "oh what a beautiful morning"...i really miss him...a lot..i miss everything about him..his smile..all his laugh lines...his zest for life..which i know he still has all these things...but i just feel like the pain makes him not smile anymore..i just miss my husband..
i know many things will change once he gets back home..he'll be back here in our home..something we've worked so hard to create together..a warm and welcoming environment for our children, family and friends..its just not the same without him here in it..that's all..
i ended up just crying and praying at the same time..pleading for help..i do feel much better...just a little bummed i suppose..but certainly better then before!
sorry this was such a sad posting..but its good for me to get things out so i can sleep better anyway!! tomorrow is another day..another day of more positive things..i so hope jon can get use to this baclofen...im ready for him to smile again!